Taking my own advice

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The other night I was giving a very close friend of mine advice on her marriage. And I mean I was laying down the law with a bunch of “how dare he” and “you shoulda”, “You have too” and a few ” you better’s” thrown in for dramatic effect. But the one consistent thing I have been telling her and anyone else who will listen is that “If you don’t like the way your life is going, then change it”… As I stood on my soap box preaching to her about her situation and how I thought she ought to fix it when suddenly I realized that I had gotten away from my own core values.
There are many things I no longer like about my life. The fact that I don’t put healthy eating and exercise on my daily list. The fact that I do not invest as much time in my direct sales business as I had originally thought I would when I signed up. Even how a few of my own personal relationships have been going including my romantic one. None of these things are as major or as destructive as the breakdown of a marriage and I am not trying to take away from her personal struggle at all. What I am trying to bring to light is that it is time I reevaluate my own “should have’s” and “I betters”.
The simple fact is that my life and the direction in which it is going is solely up to me and the decisions I make. More than four years ago I started a weight loss journey that took daily dedication, exercise and constant mental debates. I worked hard and because of it I lost 148lbs. I was tired of being obese and miserable and unhealthy but most of all I was exhausted from hearing my own voice make the same complaints so I did something to change it.
Three years ago next month my 15 year relationship/marriage started its quick decent into the big D. We had been miserable with one another and ourselves for years but struggled to stay together because we had a daughter and didn’t think we had a choice. Eventually I got tired of seeing his face and blaming every bit of my depression and unhappiness on him. So I took a drastic step and changed my (our) world. I don’t know if it was the “right thing” to do or not but three years later we both are in completely different worlds and our daughter is a well adjusted happier person for it.
So now I sit back and I look at what I have going on now. Do I like the fact that I have regained 25lbs? not as all! But until now I have done nothing to lose it including NOT exercise. If, I were to be completely honest with you I would admit that I am munching on DOTS as I type this. (It’s time to take the reins again and hit the gym)
What about my relationships? I will die and old lady saying that “People treat you the way you ALLOW them to treat you”. It is advice that I give to my BFF’s and my daughter and I honestly in my heart believe this. I also believe that How I allow myself to be treated is not only a reflection of my confidence (or lack of) but it is also be closely watched by a future woman who will see how her mother intact with men and will naturally think this the appropriate way to be treated. I didn’t realize this until recently when I started rehashing how I grew up and what my life was like when I was my daughters age. I can see now that my mother and her numerous unhealthy relationships when men had a drastic affect on me. Watching her be disrespected by men, married men not only gave me a poor basis as to what I deserved but it gave me a instinctive distrust of men in general. (Don’t fret, I am working on this in therapy and should be “cured” by the time I die)
The moral of this rant is that I need to get off my soap box and take my own advice. I’ve been through a lot and can actually give pretty darn good advice, if anyone would just listen! 😉

George Eliot

Contrast of two worlds

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When we first met he told me he was a minimalist but I’m not sure I truly appreciated what he was saying until I went to his apartment for the first time. Let me start by saying that I am a girl in every sense of the word. Basically I like “stuff”. I like things that shine,things that twinkle, things that have zero purpose in life other than to look pretty. I like to own books. I do crafts and own all the thing-a-ma-bobs that go along with crafting. Scissors? I have 4 different pair and each serves a different purpose. Bags? yes…please. I love bags and totes and containers to put my other bags and purses into. Monogram it?! Hell yes! If it has my initial then you can guarantee I will have at least one…maybe two in different colors. So my life doesn’t lack for “things” and bags to put them into but I did not really understand what a “Minimalist” was until I started dating my BF. His habitat is eerily empty. His floors are as bare and clean. He has very modern furniture that remind me of sitting in a dentist’s office, glass table and leather couch. His bed is simple and white without the trapping of throw pillows or splash of color. What I found surprising is how much I enjoy going to his place. At first I thought it was just because I didn’t have the responsibility of my daughter since she was spending every other weekend with her father. However; the more time I spend there the more I like the simplicity of his environment. There isn’t a bunch of things that need putting away. Not the stacks of papers that are aways waiting for me to declutter. Nothing looks out of place and in need of dusting.
I do notice the little touches that make it his. There is a picture of us tucked neatly on a small piece of wall. He has his very favorite books on a shelf. A single shelf with only the cream of the crop. He has a piece of art work displayed in the living room and his sheets are high quality and extremely comfortable. It makes me wonder two specific things. 1) How does he survive with so little belongings and 2) How would WE ever be able to live together?…. 🙂

That’s my foot in a Louboutin!

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I held a pair of Christian Louboutin

I held a pair of Christian Louboutin

I have always wanted a pair of Christian Louboutin heels… always. Since I first saw that red bottom shoe I have imagined myself sexily swaying in a pair of his beautifully designed shoes…THEN I saw how much they cost. My dream faded, but only slightly. I have not completely given up on the fact that one day despite the protest of my checking and the steady stream of collection calls from student loans I WILL one day walk in a pair of Louboutin that I own.
The other weekend when my boyfriend took me to Atlanta he wanted me to at least “try on a pair”. My heart was giddy at the idea of seeing a pair in real life. I was anxiously anticipating what this experience was going to be like. As we walked into Saks Fifth Avenue I imagined being approached by a well coifed salesperson asking in a nasally tone if she could “be of assistance” while giving me that “I know you can’t afford these” look. Instead… $1395 pair of shoes on a sales rack! WHAT THE F! Are you kidding me? and not only were they on a sale rack, but they were out in the middle of the aisle on a payless style shoe rack! I kid you not… These shoes that I have spent my entire fashionhood coveting were NOT auspiciously displayed with spot lighting were I could walk up too and ogle and point but instead were thrown onto a gaudy sales rack with 50 other pair of designer BUT not all Louboutin shoes. Had I walked into a candid camera moment? Did my boyfriend set me up to be made fun of on Youtube? When was Ashtin Kutcher going to pop out and start laughing at this clearly set up prop?… Nope. It was for real. The moment that was supposed to be a part of my fantasy fashion dream was no more glamorous than if I went into K-mart for a buy one get one 50% off….

Don’t get me wrong… I DID try them on and they ARE as beautiful in person as they have been portrayed on pintrest, and if I am being completely honest about this whole thing, I DID spend entirely too much time standing in the middle of that aisle holding those shoes while I tried to calculate how long it would take me to pay off my credit card HAD I had enough left on it too charge them. I knew I couldn’t afford them no matter how I tried to rearrange my budget and made internal deals with myself that I could go weeks eating only romaine noodles. How I didn’t actually NEED lights at home. Nope, this didn’t stop me from daydreaming about how Mr. Louboutin had designed these heels with me personally in mind. How I could sashay in any social situation wearing these heels that would make me 6’4″ and be adored by any man with a heartbeat…No, even with this socially unacceptable display of blantant disregard for what should be considered a masterpiece in footwear, I still felt like a princess… If even for just a moment in time… sigh

Losing my battle….with CAKE!

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I am a plus size woman. I imagine that I will always be one even when the number on the scale says I am in my normal BMI. January 2010 I weighed 316 pounds and started the journey to a healthier lifestyle. It took me a little over a year to reach my goal of 160 (I weighed 160 on March 12, 2011) … I had lost a total of 156 pound. Then my life was perfect! hahahahahaha ok, if you are someone who has battled your weight then you know that in no way is my life perfect just because of a number on the scale! in fact it is even more of a battle for me. It is a battle I fight every single day of my life. Today, I am on the losing side as I have started back with my unhealthy eating habits and comfort in food. (I am an emotional eater, and my best friend is cake) Cake has been there for me when no one else in this world was. when I am sad, Cake will give me a hug. When I am anxious, cake is right there with me, anxious and delicious. Feeling ugly because your ex husband is now married to a woman who is 10 years younger and can have more babies while you are coasting into middle-aged with dried up ovaries? No worry, Cake will be right there for you with it’s delicious butter cream frosting and spongy goodness. What I learned years ago was that although Cake loves me as much as I love it Cake will not help me maintain a healthy weight.
What DOES help me maintain a healthy weight is living a healthy lifestyle. there is no secret pill or ingredient to add to your coffee that will help you lose weight. It comes down to taking in less calories then you use up. Yes, I have given the secret to skinny girls life…starvation. If you eat less calories then you burn you will lose weight. There are many ways of accomplishing this and not one of them is easy. Exercise is the key for my metabolism. I have to work out everyday and count every calorie that passes my lips. when I do this I get the results I desire. When I do NOT do this…well, I get the results I’ve been getting these past few months. my clothes no longer fit, the scale is going UP and Cake has been a regular visitor in my house…. What I need is to get RE-motivated and kick my best friend out of my life (except for special occasions :-)..
Let’s see if I can keep Cake at bay long enough to lose the 30lbs I have regained.

I will miss you my friend…. but we’ll see one another at birthdays ❤

I like this girls attitude!

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She wore a bikini ... and she wore it well!

She wore a bikini … and she wore it well!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jenny-trout/i-wore-a-bikini-and-nothing-happened_b_5546206.html

I pasted the above link because I wanted more people out there to read her story. simple as that. But you may be asking yourself, WHY? would I want to share Jenny Trout’s story? Let me tell you why… because 4 ½ years ago I weighted over 300lbs myself. I wore a size 26 jeans and would have NEVER been sharp enough to put my words to print in the same way that Jenny did. I felt the same way she feels but I simply did not have enough gumption or possible self esteem to tell others to basically go to hell. If you want to wear a bikini… then you should wear a bikini. I don’t care what number your clothing label says you are in reality it is how you feel about your own body.
Way to go Jenny! and btw you are one hot chic!

a day for depression….sigh

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I haven’t done anything today except…exist… and barely at that. Trying to describe what it’s like to be depressed it like trying to explain what it’s like to be tired that can’t be fixed by sleep. You are both afraid to die and afraid to live. I’ve suffered varying levels of depression pretty much my whole life. I have the reasons from genetic to traumatic life events. But what I can’t seem to find is the cure. I’ve tried medication, meditation, therapy (group and individual), aromatherapy, jitsu-therapy (okay, I just made that one up). but nothing seems to work… about 5 months ago I had a complete nervous breakdown. The kind that requires hospitalization and intervention. My friends and family still tip toe around me, but they would rather it just be swept underneath the carpet and not discussed any longer. Am I better? HA…well, I AM better then I was when it first happened. My question now is, Will I ever truly be better? In all honesty, I no longer think I will completely beat this beast. Even when all things are going well and my medication is at it’s peak it still haunts me in my nightmares. there are some things that are done to a person that can never be undone, words spoken that can not be taken back and thoughts that can never be forgotten…

….I guess in the end all that matters is that I am still…trying?